(Picture circus music playing in the background and a presenter much like PT Barnum or Tony Sheppard from the Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus)
Yes, fellow Canadians, it’s time we got into gear.
We at the helm have created an exciting program just for … US!
It’s called the FLOP or the Federal Lining Our Pockets program.
What’s the FLOP you ask?
Well, the FLOP starts with Federal. As the Federal government, we’re here to take everything away from you and give it to the people that we want to give it to … and not you imbeciles who actually represent the majority.
It continues with Lining the Pockets (of Our Friends).
We’re going to make religious zealot gets your cash, but only if they show that they are still willing to live in the dark ages and believe that Fred Flinstone lived with the dinosaurs.
We are all about making people in Canada better off, but only US. Not you.
We will have meetings in the halls, bury information (assuming we have a trail to begin with) and we’ll do it while flaunting our lack of majority to the rest of the country.
We’ll use taxpayer dollars to hire hookers as secretaries and pack our office desks with coke and any other party drug you can imagine.
We’ll spend YOUR money to beat you back with sound cannons and you’ll drop your pants and ask for more. We’ll hire all kinds of goons to corral dissenters and we’ll pay them a billion or two to do it. And we’ll insist on our cut. Of course!!
We’re so friendly with the Hell’s Angels and other mobs that nearly every dollar of your “Lining Our Pockets” program will go to them (besides the ones we keep for ourselves, of course!). You might see it eventually, but only when crooks spend money at your hotel or restaurant. No pictures please.
We’ll whine and cry like a six year-old when we don’t get our way and we’ll make up the craziest, bat-shitty statistics to back up our ongoing array of lies. Crime going down? Doesn’t matter. We still need to spend outrageous sums of cash on prisons to pen all of you thieving rats called ‘downloaders’. Might as well be ‘freeloaders’, right?
Let’s face it folks: we can’t keep track of our lies any more. We have no idea how many of us are ripping you off, so we’ll just remind you that’s it’s probably all of us.
We will twist and turn this fucked up democracy beyond the level of being fucked up and will stay in power as long as we can count on the ‘opposition’ to have a complete lack of cajones. I mean, talk about cowards! They run when they see their own shadows!!
We’ll be rolling out the FLOP to other countries, implementing economic and social programs that run counter to what already exists in Canada. Because we CAN.
Never forget: we’re not the CONservatives, we’re the CANservatives.
We CAN serve ourselves and we will.